Sierra Mountain Times

It All Sounds Good

Dear C.J., 

I read your article about your daughter, and I like what you say. You have a sense of humor I can relate to, but I still have no idea how to talk to my daughter about some of the “embarrassing” things you mentioned at the end of your article, so how do I do this? I have noticed commercials on the T.V. saying talk to your kids about sex, drugs, bullying… etc. There are websites you can go to and numbers to call, but do you think they can help? I also want to be able to be a help for my daughter during this “transition” time, but I am truly at a loss. I’m going to try the embarrassment approach the next time I get a door slammed in my face. I think it may be effective. I am just scared I’ll have to follow-through at some point. Do you ever have to follow-through? It all sounds good, but I’m hoping you can give more advice on what exactly I should talk to her about and how I could go about it. 

Thank you, Not Sure 

Dear Not Sure, 

I am no expert. I am struggling through this just like everyone else, but I do have very good open communication with my daughter about drugs and sex, so I hope I can help you. First I would recommend finding out what she knows, and how she feels about what she knows. Try not to be too enthusiastic when the school does their red ribbon week. The hygiene class is a good time to start the dialogue if you don’t feel like you can start the conversation out of the blue. You need to be the expert, so do your research and find out everything you can about the topic you are going to talk about, but do not be afraid to say you don’t know something. When I do not know something I tell my children, “I do not know, but we can find out together.” Then, I take the time so we can find out together. I have been continually shocked at what my daughter knows, and what she does not know, so if you think the school is telling our children what they need to know about the birds and the bees you may be very disappointed when you find out what she knows. I have found that most of my daughter’s education outside of the home on this subject she gets from her little friends. I have to spend a lot of time convincing her that I know more than a twelve year old whose cousin told her (fill in the blanks). 

Just say ‘no’! It would be nice if we could tell our kids this and they would comply. I do not think “just say no” works…it is too simplistic. Tell kids why they need to say no, and what we want them to do. Just because they are not asking us “why” all the time like they did when they were toddlers does not mean they don’t want to know why. When we tell children drugs are bad we are not giving enough information. Why are they bad and if they are so bad why do people do them? These are the questions we need to answer. I tell my kid’s drugs are bad and that they can ruin your life. People do them because it makes them feel good, but only for a little while. Then they do not want to stop because nothing else makes them feel good anymore, and their lives are only about doing drugs and they do not care about anything else. I know it sounds like a lot for a little person, but we need to be honest, direct, and give worst case scenarios when we talk about things. If we don’t, it could potentially put our children at risk. I am not saying we should scare children, but we should give them knowledge because educating them, building confidence, and honoring their questions will empower them to say no. 

I do not know much about online help for talking to your children, but it could not hurt. As a parent, do whatever you need to do to make you feel strong. We can never get too much information or too much encouragement as parents. Good luck, and oh yeah, I have had to follow through on my threats once, and it worked like a charm. 

Thank you! Please contact me with questions, or comments at cj@ sierramountaintimes.com.