Sierra Mountain Times

I love Thanksgiving. It is the one holiday where I can relax and the only worries I have are where I can get my next drink. Maybe I should backtrack here and let my readers know that this column is not necessarily based on my real life experiences. Some may be, but some are stories I have heard from friends. I truly mean for this column to be viewed as pure entertainment and not to be taken too seriously. Back to my drink. I am looking for the vodka, rum, whiskey, or anything else I can find that will make me a happier person today. ‘Why?’ I hear you asking. Because the dream I had last night has me scared that this year may be the worst…

I wake up and look out the window to a beautiful fall day. I love Thanksgiving because it’s all about the food and cooking is the one thing I know without a doubt that I do very well. No one can give me crap about my cooking. That thought is fleeting because in the next moment I hear the vacuum cleaner and the lovely sound of my mother screaming at the cat, the kids, and my dad all at once. The assignments have been handed out and apparently the television needs to be pulled out of the cabinet because she is worried that all the guests will notice the dust under the hundred pound TV in the cabinet. This is my cue to search for the booze. I know my mother has hidden it from me, so after an exhaustive search of the house I remember the Baileys in the refrigerator. She will think I’m just drinking coffee, ha ha ha. After a stiff drink I am ready to start the piecrust. I am singing to myself and enjoying a nice buzz until I hear the shrill reply my mother is giving on the phone, “Great, the more the merrier,” I hear her saying, and I am buzzed enough to tell her, “Mom, you totally sounded fake and whoever that was knows you were lying.” Oops, she is still on the phone and if looks could kill I’d be dead. Time for another drink.

So, why all the alcohol? One, I do not have to drive anywhere. Two, I am the joker in the family, a role I assumed to break up tension in the family a long time ago, and now I am stuck with it, and it is hard to be that person when too many of your family members have seen you naked in recent years. No, I have not been getting drunk and streaking on the front lawn during dinner, but I know someone who did. The bathroom door hasn’t had a lock on it for at least eight years…leading to all kinds of fun, usually at my expense. This lack of a lock has led to a few of my family members not being able to look at me, and one very embarrassing moment when a male family member upon leaving the house decided to announce in front of everyone that I don’t look too bad naked. That announcement has made it hard for me to be funny without a few stiff ones. This year there are locks on all the bathroom doors, and I should be safe. I’ll be testing the locks Thanksgiving morning.

I also started drinking at family functions to relieve the stress of being the single person. I am never sure if the random men who show up are there to round out the seating, give me someone to talk to because we all know single people have a hard time relating to married people, or to set me up with. The latter will probably never happen again after I told one of them, who remembered me from a long time ago, that the reason we must not have seen each other for awhile was because the train from munchkin-land has been out of service for a few years. 

After a few more drinks it is time to unveil the turkey. As I am sliding it out of the oven my parents hundred pound dog runs by and steals the turkey. She gets halfway through the house before she realizes her mouth is burning and drops it… 

I wake up and look out the window. It is a beautiful fall day and I love Thanksgiving…maybe I won’t drink this year.

I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving. My tip for all of you: laugh lots, hug lots, and don’t drink and drive. 

Please send questions and comments to cj@sierramountiantimes.